Lou and I went to see dr brown play the tuxedo cat. It was the final night of the mammoth comedy festival and our last chance to catch this californian doctor clown this year.

He is insane. We hooted with laughter, and I can’t even remember why. He’s just really silly, and open, and ridiculous.

But the lovely thing was this: the week before i’d been to his “clowning with doctor brown” workshop, and as i saw him in performance – it all made sense. Everything he’d been trying to teach us, all the wisdom he’d aimed to impart; it all fell into place.

The workshop was crazy. I went because Lynne and Ahmarnya were going, and i’d wanted to try this for a while. The thing about simple clown is not that you have to make people laugh, which is good as I have no skills in physical comedy, but that when you fail – people need to see and feel your genuine emotional response. You need to connect authentically. To be vulnerable.

We all try to act upset, or show our masks of distress and failure, but the clown can simply be open and present, and let the whole world in.

It feels impossible, the more you try, the more you fail even at failing.

And then comes a moment of extreme frustration where you surrender completely, and the doctor calls out, “Yes you’re beautiful right there, we love you there!” Ah, thank heavens i got it finally, the surrender moment.

of course, if you can make people laugh.. it’s a whole lot better.